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> > > 'Superhumans and marriage beyond: a space idiocy 2012` by the Grace Eyre creative writing group

On this page DAO features a surreal epic story by Jonny Schachter, Keir Dean, Susan Street, Betty Vincent, James Grantham, Juliet Senker and Elaine Parkes. As the story begins Natasha, Elizabeth Williams is on the verge of getting married to Doctor John Vincent!

Doctor John Vincent finds himself sinking in quicksand, but luckily discovers he has super powers to help himself float. Drawing by Jonny Schachter

A woman. She is tall, has curly black hair, has a straight and narrow nose. Her face is as white as snow. She is thirty-nine years old. Her eyes are blue. She has arched eyebrows. Her eyes dart around like she is crazy. Her thin, smooth lips remind us of the lips settee at Brighton Museum.

She wears glasses. She has big, flat feet. She stands proud and tall. Her hair is long and curly at the back to hide a scar from plastic surgery, where a big lump was removed. She has egg cup sized breasts. She is carrying her first baby and has a big, fat belly with a protruding belly button.

She often wears a `Super Woman` T-shirt which is her favourite. She was once superwoman. She now spends her days doing housework and shopping. She misses flying. When the lump was removed from the back of her neck she lost her powers before she became pregnant. She tried to fly but couldn`t. She cried and cried and cried. She ended up working in a coffee shop.

She lives in a basement flat. The father of her baby is a doctor/surgeon, the surgeon who cut the lump out. When she was recovering from the operation that is when they fell in love and he is the father of the baby.

Natasha, Elizabeth Williams is this young woman`s name. She was having a hard time getting out of bed. She had given her notice in at the coffee shop. She was getting very big and could eat her breakfast propped on her belly.

Doctor John Vincent is one of the top surgeons in the country which means that he`s busy a lot of the time. They are in the process of moving in together.

Natasha`s flat is damp, with water leaking through the ceiling. The windows are cracked and dirty. The flat is being demolished soon. Natasha and John are moving into a mansion with Cook and servants he treats as equals.

John has come a day early to collect Natasha. John was shocked when he saw Natasha`s flat because they had been meeting at his flat. He was shocked to see all the dampness and the flat in such a state. John felt overwhelmed and angry. John and his handyman put all Natasha`s belongings into his Lincoln and they drive for two hours to his mansion house. The butler and the maid welcome them in with the big Alsatian Fluffy who was left barking outside in his kennel as he`d recently bitten the butlers ankle.

“How spectacular it all is” said Natasha. John said “It cost £2,000,000. How happy I am to make it our home.” As a surprise John had set up the nursery. There was a swimming pool in the back garden, a landing pad for John`s private aeroplanes and a KFC stand beside it.

They have a rest and some food before John shows Natasha around the mansion. They go for a swim in the swimming pool. It is a very hot and sunny day. They want to cool down. Natasha starts to feel contractions and instead of going to hospital there is a midwife on standby.

John phones the midwife from his mobile phone. The midwife arrives as Natasha`s waters have broken. John tells his servant to get a bowl of hot water and clean towels. The towels are to wrap the baby in.

The baby is delivered only to discover that the head of another baby appears. The midwife faints and falls into the pool leaving John confused. In a split second John realises he`s a Superman and delivers the baby and saves the midwife. He sees before him their adorable babies, a boy and a girl, floating in the air. Natasha gasps and faints. Meanwhile John flies denting the wall on his way whilst trying to get a handle on his powers. He successfully gets the floating twins after an hour or two as this is his first experience with a Superman`s powers.

The babies weren`t attached by an umbilical cord. John hands their babies over to Natasha. As Natasha is cuddling the children she discovers that she has her super powers back because the weather starts acting strangely and the swimming pool is suddenly hit by a bolt of lightning. The water comes up like a rainbow fountain. Natasha laughs like a witch and she feels like a bolt of lightning; she is joyful and bouncing the babies while John`s whole body apart from his head is stuck in the ground. He`s still getting used to his new powers and the worst thing is that he`s in quick sand.

Using his super powers to keep him afloat, he realises that he can make the quick-sand go hard and he wriggles out. He cleans himself by spinning but spinning too fast he crashes on the moon. Holding his breath because there is no oxygen, he is able to get back to earth but misjudges his home by a few countries, landing in the South Pole.

Absolutely freezing, John quickly rings Natasha his fiancé to ask for help. The phone receiver says “I`m sorry but this line is out of service.” And then the phone blows up and he says “Oh woe is me! Oy Givalt!”

In his lead-lined pocket which is resistant to atmospheric re-entry, John finds his rocket balloon device, sending a message which says `Help!`

The Coastal Patrol are on another mission, being escorted by an English submarine and they see someone sitting on an ice-burgh. The boat turns to head towards the ice-burgh while the submarine remains on the surface of the water having seen the `Help!` message.

They send a lifeboat with a crew of four male Officers with Captain Rachel Thompson co-ordinating the rescue mission.
John is powerless. He follows the Officers instructions and within five minutes he is in the lifeboat.

Captain Thompson recognises John. She is a friend of Natasha`s from school and they were introduced when Natasha was having surgery and Rachel was visiting her in hospital before Rachel took `Assignment South Pole.`

Meanwhile Natasha and the babies called Ashley and Marian, who were back at the Mansion situated in Cardiff, Natasha is worried about John because he flew up in the air a week ago and hasn`t been seen and his seven days dinners are piling up. There are cockroaches and cobwebs everywhere, as the maid had run off with the butler and the cleaner. It was a ménage e trios.
The babies felt sorry for their Mum so they decided to clean up the entire Mansion. Ashley and Marion magic up the thought of the plates and cutlery spinning through the air and climbing into the dishwasher.

Natasha cried tears of joy. She was so pleased the babies were helping her.

It has now been two weeks and John is very hungry. He has refused military rations because he`s missing Natasha and the children. He`s still in the English submarine which finally arrives at Cardiff military docks and the moment he gets off he sees Natasha and the children waiting for him.

They stand out because they are floating in mid air. Only they can see one another`s powers until the need arises for others to see. Natasha has found new servants from an online website, with highly skilled and quick reflexes to cope with the children. The butler`s name is James, the maid is Heather and the cleaner is called David.

Natasha gets ready for her wedding in a chiffon dress. Drawing by Susan Street

The children Ashley and Marian have advanced intelligence with an IQ higher than Einstein and smarter than the average bear. They are very playful. They had already moved the Eiffel Tower to Cairo in Egypt. Natasha with help from Rachel and the children return it to Paris in France, having seen the event on the BBC news. Natasha said to the children to help one another. They flew by their own powers, wings somehow appearing. By using their minds the children steered the Eiffel Tower more or less back into place.

Following the Paris/Cairo incident, John and Natasha look up how to handle children with extra ordinary abilities on the internet. `Trouble with` comes up, password `Shellfish` required. They went on the Wikipedia website, special diet required, so as the children don`t lose their powers. It consists of popcorn for breakfast, snails for lunch, pigs ears for dinner and not forgetting worms for supper. All washed down with sea blood.

Ashley and Marian love meal times and eat it all up. Mum and Dad need to buy special literature for the children to learn how to control their special powers.

The man from the site turns up for his interview. His name is Mansel. He has a strong, deep voice. He is in his twenties and is wearing a scientist`s uniform. He has blonde hair that is wild and curly.

Natasha and John take a dislike to Mansel. They can smell a whiff coming off him. Mansel is looking rather shifty. He won`t make eye contact with Natasha and John and when they ask him questions he stutters and stumbles over his words and he tells fibs. They know this as they can read his mind. They ask him to leave.
The children burst into the room screaming “Imposter! Get out!”
They jump on him and pull his blonde, curly hair but shock! No it comes off in their hands.
The maid runs into the room with a frying pan and hits Mansel the imposter on the nose. He falls onto the floor. His nose is broken and there is blood everywhere and the frying pan is now dented.
The imposter comes from another planet. He`s come to take the family`s powers. He has stripped the real Mansel of his scientist`s coat and left him in a suitcase on an aeroplane and he has ended up in Florence, Italy, discovered by Customs through an x-ray machine.

They open the suitcase and Mansel`s watch alarm goes off. Customs ask two celebrities if this is their suitcase, who are Ant and Deck. They say “He is not the contestant on our show.”
The Customs call in the CIA to take him away. He is taken to their base on the island of Sicily. The CIA interrogate the real Mansel and do a DNA test to make sure that he is not an alien. Meanwhile the fake Mansel is captured by Area 51 People and taken away to face a grim, short lived future.

Meanwhile John and Natasha are getting ready for their wedding. They decide to invite the future mother in-laws. They would like the maid as a bridesmaid. They would like Ashley and Marian to be page boy and flower girl. She would like pink carnations and pink and mauve gladioli. Her dress is going to be burgundy and pink with white spots. It`s made of chiffon and floats around her and is long, down to the ground.

Elton John sings 'Candles in the Wind' at the wedding. Drawing by Betty Vincent

John is going to wear a white suit with coloured stripes of red, blue and yellow. Ashley is wearing a kilt. Marion is wearing a leotard and it is blue.

They would like a small wedding. The venue is to be held after an old fashioned coach ride takes fifty invited people with exotic food on the menu, with Chinese food included and minerals to keep you strong, popcorn, wine and a smoking area. They`re heading to Buckingham Palace where the Queen is the chef, Prince Andrew is handing out canapés and Prince Harry and Will giving out the champagne.

Cliff Richard arrives singing `We`re All Going On A Summer Holiday.` Elvis Presley arrives in a gravestone with an engine and wheels singing `Blue Suede Shoes.` Then Davey Jones arrives. He comes in singing `Daydream Believer.` Then Tom Jones comes in singing `The green, green grass of home.` Bob Geldof arrives and offers money to the charity of the couples choice. Suggs arrives from Madness. He sings `Tomorrow`s Just Another Day.` Elton John arrives singing `Candle In The Wind.` He comes in riding a piano, being pulled by Smurfs.

The three corgi dogs arrive, dressed in tutus. Drawing by James Grantham

The three corgi dogs dressed in tutus, come in dancing on their hind legs. Then WWE wrestlers arrive in green, spotty silk trunks. Two men and two women wear feathers to hide their modesty. One of the women picks up one of the male wrestlers. She swings him around her head three times and throws him into the crowd. He lands on the Queen knocking her out cold. The Smurfs throw a bucket of water over her. She comes to. She says “Where am I? Who am I?” She runs towards a male wrestler and picks him up and sends him flying into the Pope, knocking him out.

Kitchen staff have taken over from the Queen. Fortunately most of the food had been prepared and tables set the night before.
Elton John phones the Vicar of Dibley who is nearby at Albert Square and asks her if she will marry Natasha and John. Within a matter of minutes she finds her jetpack and speeds along to Buckingham Palace while narrowly missing Boris Johnson.
Cliff Richard calms the frightened guests singing `Living Doll` and lots more champagne is needed.

John arrives first. He mustn`t see the Bride before the wedding because it`s bad luck. He meets his Best Man at the chapel who is ET. ET is looking after the rings. The guests arrive to the chapel lead by the Queen who has regained her memory.

David Cameron drives the wedding carriage and Nick Clegg is the conductor. Natasha looks very lovely in her wedding dress. They arrive safely after two unsuccessful political assassination attempts attacks by pensioners who are angry at the way David and Nick are running the country.

The Vicar of Dibley crashes through the roof, making a near enough safe landing on Mike Tyson. Meanwhile up in the sky, the children Marian and Ashley have diverted a meteor into the path of Airforce 1, which sees it landing safely on top of No 10 Downing Street. No one knows as the SAS puts everyone in the ship including President Obama to sleep.
Meanwhile back at the wedding, the song goes on, `Here Comes The Bride All Fat And Wide.` Sung by Simon Cowell.

Natasha enters the chapel. Marian and Ashley arrive and get into their places. Rachel enters with her dress in tatters. She`d had a rendezvous with the cowardly Lion from the Wizard of Oz. She sits down. The Vicar of Dibley stands at the altar, her jetpack turned off `she thinks!`

John and Natasha, after so many ups and downs and diversions, finally say their wedding vows. They reach the moment where the congregation are asked if anyone would have a reason for them not to marry. R2D2 appears and protests and Brad Pitt blows him up with a bazooka and with that the wedding is completed finally!

Because there are so many people, the floor gives way and people start to drop through the floor, but because John and Natasha have super-human powers they save everybody apart from the Vicar of Dibley, who`s jetpack activates, is sent to the other side of the galaxy. Meanwhile now that everyone knows the Vincent Family have superhuman powers, they are celebrated as the first non-American Super Heroes and life becomes better from here on.

`The End We Hope!`